I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
