she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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