I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
