relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize