I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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