i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
