I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
