I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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