if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
