I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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