Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
