I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
