After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
