onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
