True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
