My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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