he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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