Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
