Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
there is glitter all over my balls
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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