Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
did you just send me my own nude
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
