If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
