Swine flu. Run for my life!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
