Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
