I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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