the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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