I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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