I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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