apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
