By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
