only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
