Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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