He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize