She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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