Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
