i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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