I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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