So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
