I'm pants shitting drunk right now
kristin has been a bad kristin
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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