This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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