There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
