My first STD was from a foam party
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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