Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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