Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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