Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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