I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
