you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
