Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize