I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
