What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
