My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
