I cannot find my penis.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
