that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
