if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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