My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
