I can tuck mytits in my pants
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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