I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
