I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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