you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
