new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If its not for food we ain't going out.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
