So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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