Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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